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unspeakablehorrorHad a dream that I was going to college again because I was collecting bachelor's degrees and in addition I was in this summer college activity that had absorbed every waking hour of my life and aaaaahhhh...that was kind of a nightmare. Even though the activity was interesting--some sort of class road trip thing? It was actually a pretty dream because there were lots of beaches involved but the idea of college absorbing every waking hour of my life is kind of a fear of mine. It's not really even a fear specific to college. The idea of anything structured specifying my every waking moment always ends up stressing me out.
In the dream of course, there was an unrealistic level of such specification, to the point where I was being admonished for wandering off to explore areas sometimes because I was always supposed to stay with the class and professor at all times to be ready to listen to lectures or work on assignments. But I think the analogy to my very real issues with structure (eg. deadlines) is valid, in that even if I enjoy an activity, I need to not have every aspect and moment of it constrained by societal expectations. This is why I don't set up deadlines for my longform stories and why I'm sparing about things I commit to doing for others. It's interesting because a lot of people I know want more structure, and even I wish certain things in life had more structure when I'm focused on meeting external expectations. I dislike vague instructions when I am expected to meet someone else's expectations. In that case I do want more structure, particularly if I am going to be formally evaluated on the results, like at work or at school. I just don't want to have to think about meeting someone else's expectations every minute of the day, and that's a very real anxiety of mine.
In the dream of course, there was an unrealistic level of such specification, to the point where I was being admonished for wandering off to explore areas sometimes because I was always supposed to stay with the class and professor at all times to be ready to listen to lectures or work on assignments. But I think the analogy to my very real issues with structure (eg. deadlines) is valid, in that even if I enjoy an activity, I need to not have every aspect and moment of it constrained by societal expectations. This is why I don't set up deadlines for my longform stories and why I'm sparing about things I commit to doing for others. It's interesting because a lot of people I know want more structure, and even I wish certain things in life had more structure when I'm focused on meeting external expectations. I dislike vague instructions when I am expected to meet someone else's expectations. In that case I do want more structure, particularly if I am going to be formally evaluated on the results, like at work or at school. I just don't want to have to think about meeting someone else's expectations every minute of the day, and that's a very real anxiety of mine.