Thoughts on my Fear of Socializing

[unspeakablehorror]

One reason I have such difficulty with socializing is that for almost as long as I can remember, I've placed these...emotional walls between myself and other people as a defense.  And I've never really been willing to undo that, because vulnerability of any kind terrifies me, and loneliness is not an acute or immediate emotion for me, but an abstract, distant one.  At the same time, I wish for positive connections to others, and the ability to manage my fears in better ways than simply avoiding them.  I've made a lot of efforts since I was young to quell my social anxiety, and those efforts have been great improvements for my ability to interact with others.  However, a lot of what improved was my ability to address impersonal social situations rather than personal ones. But I think similarly, addressing my fear of vulnerability would be a positive thing.  It's simply a lot more challenging than what I've previously managed.

I always try to acknowledge the value my fear holds for me along with the problems it causes.  Because while I know there's a part of my fear rooted in irrationality, and while I know it can cause problems, I also know it's not a completely unmerited thing.  We humans can get the greatest support from other humans...but we also face the greatest dangers from each other.